Not

I’ve never felt so uninspired, yet so eager to NOT be mediocre, as I have in the last few weeks. I go through waves of thinking about all the skills I want to acquire (tennis playing skills, language learning skills, luminosity skills, piano playing skills, cake icing skills, crochet skills, etc), and then waves of, I JUST CANNOT BE BOTHERED. I’m currently a nurse, registered if you can believe it, and I kinda want not to be. Not that it’s not a great profession, it is, and I respect and enjoy all the amazing nurses that I work alongside, but it’s just NOT for me. Not that I don’t like helping people, I sometimes don’t mind it; I just don’t feel my true authentic self as a nurse. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Sometimes when I have students with me I wonder why they want to be a nurse. I wonder why I’m a nurse, and then I remember that I still don’t actually know what I want to be when I grow up, I never really have. Is that normal thirty-something behaviour?

I feel like a lot of the decisions in my life have been knee jerk reactions to different circumstances, and thinking about this now, I feel so pissed off! I am so much better than a whole bunch of knee jerk reactions defining my life! I am destined to be something, someone remarkable, someone different, someone unique. I feel so annoyed that I have wasted some pivotal years of my life with half considered decisions. I remember when I was about eighteen, my uncle told me that the decisions that I made from about then onwards would be decisions that had the ability to affect my life greatly. Such a simple statement, but so bloody true. If only I had considered this advice when I spent every paycheck on clothes for the first 5 years of my twenties.. oy!

AN…Y…WAY… what I really want to do is make a career change. But I fear that I am not efficient enough, or perhaps not adaptable enough to make it in another professional field. I’m enrolled in a Graduate Diploma in Public Relations, and have been for the last 2 years almost, and really enjoy it, but fear that I’m not going to be good enough in the real world, outside of uni. My husband always says that I am courageous and hard working, but just as I am with being a nurse, I feel like a fraud when he says it. Why do I feel like such a fraud?

I’m not sure where my journey is headed, but I hope it brings some clarity to point the way.

M x